Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2008 19:52:31
From: Lulu Blue
To: sgnu88@hotmail.com
Subject: District CourtDear Mr. John Fitzgerald Page:
I recently learned about you from my mother’s personal assistant, Babe Tulane. Although Babe drinks more than her fair share of vodka and tends to exaggerate the truth now and then, she insisted I contact you to see if you might be available to accompany me to district court next Friday, February 8.
Babe explained that you are an accomplished model and actor. She also told me that you are available for high school reunions, weddings, formals, soirees, balls, fundraisers, proms (18+), galas, red carpet/charity events, office parties and similar events for the insanely reasonable rate of $250 for 1/2 day, $500 a day (plus expenses).
Okay, so here’s the skinny: I had a little situation recently at JFK after returning from Dublin. After push came to shove, the gendarmes cuffed me, read me my rights and charged me with disorderly conduct, public drunkenness and impersonating Carol Channing.
As I told the arresting officers, the disorderly conduct was a result of me tripping on the wet floor. The public drunkenness was due to my lack of sleep (Bono insisted we stay up all night to listen to Edge reciting Shakespeare). And I look nothing like Carol O’Connor. Or Carol Channing.
Long story short: I’m due in court next Friday and cannot bear the thought of going alone. Babe suggested I get in touch to see if you might be available.
But I have a couple of questions about details for your services:
1. Do you accept Visa, MasterCard or American Express?
2. Do you mind terribly if I refer to you as Sugar Nugget?
3. What was it like working with both Cynthia Nixon and Larry the Cable Guy?
Okay, so thank you in advance for your time. I truly hope you’ll be available next Friday and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
All the best,
Lulu Blue
Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2008 19:58
From: John Page sgnu88@hotmail.com
To: Lulu Blue
Subject: District Court
Lulu:
I accept Paypal, at this email address. I need a plane ticket, hotel, car service, and a per diem for food and personal expenses. How long will you need my very inexpensive services?
I know Carol Channing, I will bring her with us to prove you look nothing like her. I will also bring Carol O’Conner along, just to show the judge that I can.
Regards,
Sugar Nugget
